My list is inspired after having read and digested Martha Beck’s astute and insightful list. You can read the elaborated version here, but in sum she suggests unlearning the following life lessons:
- Problems are bad.
- It’s important to stay happy.
- I’m irreparably damaged by my past.
- Working hard leads to success.
- Success is the opposite of failure.
- It matters what people think of me.
- We should think rationally about our decisions.
- The pretty girls get all the good stuff.
- If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.
- Loss is terrible.
Building on the aforementioned, I am unlearning:
1. Friends who “understand” your goals or dreams “support” you. Support here means being more than a ‘cheerleader’ on the sidelines (although those are much appreciated and needed). Friends who have similar values as you are more likely to support you as compared with friends who may understand you or your desire for certain goals and dreams. A rather concrete example: a friend who is him or herself striving to live (or is already living) as authentically as possible to a lifestyle they have always envisioned is more likely to support your crazy idea as compared to someone who understands you are crazy to begin with.
2. Forgiveness means another chance. When a misunderstanding, oversight, or downright blunder concerns principles, sometimes forgiveness means parting ways in peace. For good. There are certain aspects another learns much better if you are no longer in his or her life as compared to if you remained in their life and vice versa. The farewell is not to teach another a ‘lesson’ but to recognize that you and the other are no longer the conduit for each other’s learning. And in time while leading separate lives, if the Universe allows your paths to cross again by happenstance, a new evaluation of the circumstances can be made…but until then…no need to share the same energy space. Sometimes the most forgiving act is to effectively communicate the lack of desire to be in touch.
3. People with less uncertainty in their lives are happier. Although much is to be said about stability this is not indicative of someone being happy. Often those who choose to cultivate towards less riskier options have enough of their own woes. This is because although we are the sum of our many choices (even the unaware ones) the common denominator called LIFE still throws plenty of curveballs without discriminating.
4. When you know what you want you are better able to explain your decisions to another. When you know what you want you are too busy doing what you have to do so there is no need to explain, your actions show all that needs to be shown.
5. Having resolved a painful issue, you will not have to revisit it. Certain occurrences can only be resolved in bite-size portions. Feeling overwhelmed by some incident in the past is not necessarily a reflection of an unresolved issue or an inability to have properly addressed something originally, but rather the matter may have just that many layers and you are only human.
6. Being compassionate to another is for the other. Being compassionate actually makes your life easier. To accept where another is in their process smooths the kinks for your ability to manage the taut space.
7. It’s intolerant to put someone in their place. Accepting another’s shortcomings or rudeness is not grounds for objecting to their demeanor or disgruntled spirit. The best way is to do this, in my experience, is to share why you choose not to engage in such behavior.
8. Extremely wealthy people who appear humble must also be centered. Humility is not always an accurate reflection of another person’s self esteem, with or without money.
9. Be acquiescent to those who have more experience than you when working on a project. Just because someone has been doing something for a long time does not mean they cannot learn something of value from you. And if that is their belief to begin with, then why are you working with them in the first place?
10. A year is enough time to integrate the many aspects of yourself into your ideal lifestyle. Trying to bring together your many self-asserting talents, skills, and characteristics takes patience, kindness, time, and perseverance. It is no one’s fault; it just takes time.
Much gratitude to Martha Beck for inspiring me with her list.
~a.q.s.
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I can relate to so many of these especially number 10; when I began I thought about a year tops and then I would find my way.
Now many years in, I am still discovering, leaping and gathering a way of being.
What I have realized is I don’t want to stop, no matter how tough, how scary, how crazy it gets, this is my life, a one time experience, a hopefully long and full process.
Thank so much for your introspection.
How awesome are you!
With a round of applause,
Sarah
Very wonderful, balanced article. I am drawn to all of your 10 and those of Martha Beck. Certainly unlearning is a process for sure. If you took 5 years to learn something wrong, unlearning may be quite long as it had become a part of you and now it is like going against your old “normal”. It can be a daunting task but it is achievable. I like this article
Thanks AQS.
P.S I have not yet communicated “the lack of desire to be in touch”. I still desire to be in touch. So much going on at the same time. Will explain some day.
I love your list! I’m sort of drawn to #7 because it does feel sometimes as though anything less that turning your cheek is considered intolerant. Sometimes you have to stand for something.
Wonderful post, Annie. I’ll have to think about my “unlearn” list…
Hi Annie, great post and thought-provoking too! I can identify with all of the above and 1 & 3 in particular. And I can understand also that it takes a long time to unlearn. It’s hard to break old habits, but I’m unlearning everyday:)