Still Sundays

March 20th.

A conversation with mama about Twitter relationships. Stranger-friends. The Invitation by Oriah.

If you would like to know what Still Sundays is about, please take a quick gander here and just read the third paragraph. Thanks.

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I once met a woman on a subway a few years ago on my way to yoga.

She looked at me and said, “Forgot your keys?”

I laughed and replied, “How did you know?”

She said, “The way your mouth moved and eyes rolled and hands reached into your purse to form the silent expression: oh shit!”

We had a good laugh and she was surprised to learn that I was not going to turn around and figure out how I was going to get inside my apartment but in fact continue onto yoga—what’s done was done—I wasn’t missing yoga on top of forgetting my keys, they would still be inside the apartment after yoga. Since we were getting off at the same stop we walked together and continued talking. She no longer practiced yoga due to wrist injuries but worked out religiously, quite the opposite of me. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

A few weeks later, I ran into her again but this time on the street. Not just any street but one block away from where I lived in my neighborhood. She came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder (I had headphones on) and exclaimed: “Do you remember me?!”

Of course I did.  We learned we lived a block down from each other. She was my neighbor and also an attorney! We also knew a lot of the same people; she had been a New Yorker longer than me. She jokingly said, “My friends call me the ‘mayor’ of New York City.”  When I would eventually meet her friends I learned this was indeed accurate. Similar to how I operated she too was always running into (new) people and knew many different people from all over. She then joked, “But I think you might be the governor of New York, Annie.” We had a good laugh about it. We had much in common and became “friends,”  or as I like to call such connections: “stranger-friends.” Simply put, a stranger-friend is someone who feels familiar like a friend but they are a stranger for all intents and purposes. It is quite possible that overtime this stranger-friend and you will develop a “real” friendship, most definitely not to be compared to other friends who have been by your side for decades, but no doubt someone who becomes more than a joy to be around. We kept in touch as we had much information to share with one another about what was happening in New York City: art, music, film, politics, news, etc.

 

However, despite living next to each other and having one another’s phone numbers and emails, we only talked if we ran into each other on the street or in the subway. Although embarrassed, we found this amusing and made numerous plans to meet and hang out but without success. We both led busy lives and ran in many different circles and in all honestly there were people we were closer to long before we knew one another.

 

After some time, the minimal keeping in touch did allow room for more ‘real’ connecting: she came to my birthday party and I went to hers. We met up at another friend’s house (she had introduced me to this new stranger-friend who also happened to live in the neighborhood). We went and saw Amel Larrieux perform live—a very impromptu plan. And most significantly, while I was on my year long hiatus from New York City (2009) given my place was sublet and I had to return to New York for two weeks, she suggested I stay with her as that would be most convenient since she lived in my neighborhood. Not a small gesture, although many other close friends offered the same.

But all these meetings were sporadic and had many weeks and months of no contact unlike with some other friends who I saw more frequently or kept in touch with via email or phone more regularly.

And I am sure she has met even more ‘new’ people as have I since  ‘friending’ one another.  I have been back in New York City for a year now and I have yet to see her or run into her, although we have exchanged a few short emails etc. I also realize I am a hard person to keep tabs on: I am literally all over: New York, California, South Africa etc. And since I have been back in New York City my schedule revolves around writing and yoga and bills.

 

I share this real life account because I believe twitter connections are no different.

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Soon it will be my one year anniversary of owning my cybermobile and riding through Twitter highways and the scenic detours.

 

I woke up this Sunday morning, having endured mind-splitting headaches and exhaustion in the evening before landing into a very deep sleep, hungover after the “super full moon” to discuss twitter with my mother who has very much been a compassionate and objective observer of my twitter interactions. I am grateful to her because I know it is not easy to keep up with all the real life stranger-friends with whom I  connect (sometimes even once), and now she has to hear about twitter-stranger-friends!

 

I am grateful to the connections I have made through twitter. However, there is another side about twitter connections/ friendships/ relationships that I have yet to read anywhere. I have shared with others some great links to websites and articles that helped me ‘learn’ how to use twitter as effectively as possible. I have read social media articles about how to balance time on twitter, how to protect one’s privacy, and other similar articles. None of them even remotely touch on my experiences or views or the ones shared with me by too many people to count. Of course, for multiple reasons, I will refrain from using any names. My intention is not malicious but simply to share some thoughts that have come up in many private discussions with some real life friends who happen to be on twitter and those twitter connections who have trusted to share certain personal stories.

 

This is my attempt to shed light on information I have not found elsewhere about twitter after my discussion with my very compassionate and wise mother.

 

I have often said that twitter is a split-second capture of our societies on a micro as well as a macro level. What makes twitter challenging for most is that it moves very fast (“faster than real life”) and therein lies its danger. But this danger is no different than “real” life happening too fast for some and hence the articles and books about: “how to slow down” etc.

I am a quick learner and I am very comfortable with my extremely uncanny intuition. For reasons that are beyond me, and I am sure my consistent, intense yoga practice only aids this, ever since I was very young I can “view” things in “slow motion” no matter how fast they are happening. When I was teaching full time, students used to say I had ‘eyes in the back of my head’  and ‘sonic ears’ (I am sure they say that about most teachers and adults!);  essentially, that I don’t miss much, if anything at all, and I am usually multiple steps ahead of most.  Moreover, I am that person in a room, dinner, or meeting, who not only sees the ‘white elephant’ that everyone is avoiding but I go up to it and gently pet it and say, “Hello, elephant! Everyone, come over! Let’s see what the elephant has to say!” I can only think of one situation where I may run from the white elephant but usually even if it involves myself, I don’t pretend to avoid the uncomfortable.

 

I like people—for the most part—although I kindly refer to them as “earthlings” or “humans” when I simply don’t understand their self-destructive or egofull behaviors.  I connect with most people easily if I so choose. This is in  “real” life so of course it is natural on twitter too I suppose, since twitter, as I have repeatedly stated, is a reflection of earthly interactions, thoughts, etc.

 

I have met quite a few people from twitter “in person” and “skyped” with two or three. For safety and personal reasons, most have been women. It doesn’t matter if you are on twitter to ‘promote’ your product/craft as an artist, as a social media “consultant,” as a business, as one who shares alternative news sources, or just there to exist, eventually you are going to interact with others in your trajectory.

Here is what I have learned so far:

• Most people I have met off of  twitter are no different than any stranger-friend I connect with in real life. Only time can tell how and if the friendship develops.
  

• The energy of the interaction that exists online has directly carried over offline.
  

• Some people have desired to meet me simply because they are curious and that is usually when there are no second meetings (which is easier to blame on ‘no time’). Curiosity alone can’t serve as fuel for developing a relationship/friendship.
  

• Some people I have met to help and promote their projects related to human rights initiatives.

• Most people do not know each other as they project they do when they are interacting online. Most like the idea of connecting than actually connecting. Actually connecting requires time, effort, trust, consistency, and an opening up that requires stepping beyond one’s comfort zones. Of course, there is the opposite of this also: most people are ravenous to divulge everything which can feel like a deep connecting but it is really just a dumping of information; it can’t be naturally sustained after a few interactions.

• Most conversations are superficial. And I don’t mean the word ‘superficial’ as in fake but they barely scratch the surface of what truly matters or is going on. This is no different than in real life when two ore more individuals connect. Marco Rojas, my yoga instructor, is often saying, “I know I am accused of not being very social. I don’t like social where I have to pretend to have a meaningless conversation. Most social interactions revolve around meaningless chatter. And it is there when the ego is talking.”  A dialogue doesn’t have to always be personal in order to be meaningful.

• Most people are performing. By this I simply mean they are projecting a reality that exists if only they could get this or that ‘right’ in their lives so as to live the way they project themselves.

• Whatever minimal boundaries most have when interacting on earth are absolutely flexible if not obsolete online. Married people flirt and are in unhappy partnerships is no surprise. This is long before twitter. But twitter gives the false sense there is no harm that can come from it.

• A friend of mine has dubbed most women on twitter as “desperate house wives” including the artists/creatives. And to this I replied, most men are “desperate working husbands.” My mother added, “This is no different than real life. It is just more visible on twitter and everyone is pretending it is not.”

• Most people have had their share of trust betrayed at least once (hopefully if they are intelligent, only once).

• I only know of two couples who met via twitter and are in successful partnerships. To this my mother said, “The reasons for their success are no different than when two people meet in person: effort, honesty, communication, responsibility, and all the tiny blocks that make up the DNA of love.”

• Mama also said, “Life is so busy that people are simply looking for a ‘cognitive high’ when they get on twitter. You don’t have to dress up or even brush your teeth to connect. It is an adult jungle-gym. There is no accountability.”

• There are as many premutations to twitter interactions as there are people on twitter. This is no different than real life. Every interaction is a possibility. But every choice has consequences.

• Mama then added, “On twitter you are not challenged or cross-questioned. Moreover, the same thing can be happening to many people yet people are embarrassed to talk about it. So one man can be connecting with more than one woman in a manner that is misleading yet none of those women would know and even if they did would be too embarrassed to talk about it.”

• Mama said, “The most dangerous illusion that twitter creates is that it is somehow different than real life and that you can get away with it just because it feels like you can.”

 

We ended the conversations as follows. I said, “But mama, most people do not want to have deep, meaningful interactions etc. They are just fine with instant gratification, real or not, flirting despite being married, or projecting as if they are not, or deeply connecting and then bailing out as friends, or passive-aggressive supporting.”

And to this my mother replied, “My point exactly. It is no different than real life. And then they wonder why they are so emotionally hungry. In a society where we associate ‘real’ with ‘intense’ or ‘heavy’ or ‘boring’ it is no wonder we are hungry for all the same we avoid.”

 

I am looking forward to continue using twitter as a tool that aids my creative process immensely. It is a serendipity generator and a petri dish for observing human interactions all across the world be it through personal tweets or stories provided in articles that are shared via tweets. It connects me to news articles that are not provided by mainstream media, allows me access to so many all over the world who are passionately trying to create art and are involved in projects that remind me: despite all odds, we are going to try to make it work…

 

I like people. I believe most people have good intentions despite how they carry them out. I don’t trust easily given most people don’t know themselves well enough to know what it is they want. 98% of my twitter interactions have all been positive and have enriched my life in ways I really appreciate. I am often accused of being very exclusive when it comes to labeling another as a ‘friend’. I make no apologies for that and do not deny it.

In every new relationship—friendships and business partnerships constitute as relationships too since they demand a type of relating—there comes a point, a moment, an exchange, an event, a question, an incident, that either allows that relationship to expand or contract. Unfortunately,  we often see that point or series of points as a “confrontation.” What is worse is that the word “confrontation” has all these negative connotations attached to it, whereas it need not be ‘hostile’ but simply an engagement with a conflict. Conflicts are the manure for development and evolution.

 

For me it is that moment when a real friendship begins or it withers to be filed under an experience, one of many.

 

I don’t think every connection has to last or can endure time the same.  But I believe every connection can be authentic for the time it exists. Anything less is…well…I have my thoughts on that…

People often wonder how I connect with so many different people: I am not afraid of being alone with myself.

I have had my disappointing experience on twitter and I have learned. But just like in life, so on twitter, one can’t just call it quits and learns to look past the mutual contacts who don’t know any better. And of course, just like in real life, real friends are not afraid to take sides.

I leave into this Sunday with the following favorite poem by a kindred creative Oriah.

 

The Invitation

 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

 

 

“The Invitation” is by Oriah from her book THE INVITATION (c)1999.
Published by HarperONE, San Francisco. All rights reserved. Presented with
permission of the author. www.oriah.org