Living Sundays

December 23, 2012

Sol Stein says the writer’s block is your subconscious saying I don’t give a damn what you are writing about.

I agree.

Before there were Sundays I had thoughts and words. Then there was my mother, then my sister, then my closest friends on a Sunday morning, not all of them on the same Sunday. The day never truly began; Sunday morning’s stillness would zoom into focus what really mattered and it was night leading to another week. Then there were Sundays with a pen, for those days when I was the only one at a still Sunday party. Then there was Internet. Then there was my mother, sister, and a few good friends for a Sunday where thoughts were transmitted electronically.  Then there was this space to keep a public record of stillness. Then there was social media. Before there were Sundays I had these thoughts and words. Then there was my mother, then sister, then a few good friends on a Sunday morning.

So that’s where I have been.

Living.

I never viewed this space as a “blog” so I don’t really know how to write blog posts per se. Articles, essays, stories which took days in the form of “blog posts.” Perhaps a difference of semantics for some but a world of difference for me. There are two books that have come out of this public writing portfolio. Two. One of them is fiction and will be breathing on real pages soon, approximately 173 pages. The non-fiction Still Sundays’ essays will require a professional editor to re-frame and organize. But I am so particular that even that I want to do myself no matter how long it takes and Time is too busy for me lately.

My audience was  the many people I know in the, what we now call, “real world” from across the many walks of life who were genuinely interested in what I had to say or create (sometimes that feels like the best fortune and other times it feels like a pressure lid). So, naturally, that is who is interested in the tangible medium of this fiction collection that was once available online in the form of posts. The additional online audience was an unexpected byproduct for which I am grateful. All this is to say I don’t really know how to use this space anymore.

I am in a phase of my life where I am very busy forming new questions. Yes, all others have been answered by actually living. In order to meet new questions half way you have to engage with living. In order to actually live, be it to find your way into new questions or old answers, you can’t necessarily be reporting. As exclusive as I am, it is not even about privacy. As much as I enjoy and feel compelled to share what I consider valuable, I am too immersed in the experience of now to share. I suppose that is why there exists social media: to give you the illusion of creating without actually creating, with the illusion of an audience that fades if you stop stroking its ego. Unless you are famous and then entitled to ignoring your audience. What rubbish! How can people who are actually compelled to create be so desperate for an audience? I can understand if it brings you monetary compensation, anything else, even hope for being “discovered”/ “getting big”/ “getting rich” is beyond my intellectual comprehension. If it is about connecting why do numbers matter to you? What will become of these people? Is it really self-esteem? Does it matter?

See? New questions. Old answers.

I told my mother writers are so selfish. She disagreed. She said, “the best of them are very selfless.”

New answers. Old questions.

Can Carl Jung please report back to earth to elaborate on his statement, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

This is why most people just live side by side, guarding their preconceived “fixed” personalities—the most superficial layer of one’s essence—without really meeting one another. And then they wonder why they always feel lonely. People don’t really want to be transformed, to perpetually address the complicated question that has a simple answer: then who am I?

As I continue to navigate how to best utilize this digital space for my work (maybe I will use it like a blog?), in the meanwhile, I wish all of you a very happy holiday season. Thank you for your attention, time, patience and support.

~a.q.s.

Some photos from a walk:

Related posts:

“the best and most valuable things” writing: “the strongest bond I have ever had” attention to details: a way of being