Mama. Mothers. And Other Days.

May 13, 2012. 

Still Sundays

I’ve always liked the time before dawn

because there’s no one around to remind me who I’m supposed to be,

so it’s easier to remember who I am.

~ Story People.

My friend am(Erica) sent me the aforementioned quote earlier this week. She knows that once it is finally summer I prefer to start the day quite early on Sundays. However, I believe and know, with enough practice we can carry Dawn with us throughout the day and anywhere.

I am grateful for the sun after what seems like weeks of cold rain and windy clouds in New York City. We skipped right into summer yesterday.

Why does that surprise me? No one ever really knew spring. As much as we claim to know we remain surprised by the weather gods.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morning hours between 7:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m. in most cities are a hidden delight that visitors as well as locals often miss. This morning I woke up even earlier than that. I could have begun writing then—5:30 a.m.—but I enjoyed tea with nothing, quiet and the sky. I like the idea of indulging in doing nothing to the extent that would make Oscar Wilde proud.

Around 7:00 a.m. I was waiting at the bus stop by myself. The trash on the street was whirling lightly in the breeze; the clouds were rearranging themselves in the light blue sky visible between and above buildings, and the sun was stretching for a warm run through the New York City streets for the rest of the day. I had only begun thinking why do I find most stillness in movement when a carousing homeless man interrupted my thoughts.

“Would you like a drink?” he asked as he showed me his small bottle of  vodka in one hand and another empty one in the other hand.

I smiled and replied, “Only if you got some coffee to go along with it.”

He told me I was a funny girl and stumbled away.

He hadn’t walked very far before returning to ask for a dollar. I told him I didn’t have any.

He said, “Is it because you don’t want to support my habit?”

I told him no that was not why, I really didn’t have any cash on me.

He told me he liked my hat, that it looked like I was going to church to have a drink. This made me giggle and I wished I did have a dollar and some other quicker, bigger way to change things for those in his situation before they ever reached this stage.

He tottered away with his toothless grin.

Once again he didn’t make it very far and this time he came back to say, “I am so sorry I forgot. I wish you a very happy mother’s day.”

A drunk. Homeless. Happy Mother’s Day.

I told him thank you very much. This made him laugh at first and then what followed took me by complete surprise. He began crying and saying I am so sorry, I am so so sorry. Please forgive me. I am so sorry. I am so sorry was a ribbon that just continued unfurling.

I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. I said the only thing I could think: “It’s okay. It happens.”

I neither knew whether it was okay nor “it”.

He said thank you and offered me a very sober toothless grin and walked away with his bottle of cheap vodka.

Forgiveness demands an encore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn’t everyone know that mother’s day is every day?

I am grateful for my mother every day. I strive to become a better person while accepting where and how I am every day because of the example that is my mother.

Instead of offering you my thoughts about my wonderful mother I offer you the gift that is her wisdom.

Three Things You Want to Say to Women Who Do Not Have Children:

Mama:

1. In order to be a good mother you don’t have to have a child.
2. You are not incomplete if you have not procreated.  Nature wants some people to take care of other things than raising a child.
3. Never compare yourself with women who have children, even without children you might be a more compassionate, giving, responsible person than someone who has children. For some women the only thing that makes them a woman is having had children not realizing what a tremendous responsibility having even one child entails.

Three Things You Want to Say to Women Who Have Children:

Mama:

1. Never consider children a burden.
2. Once you are mentally prepared to be a mother—and one for the rest of your life—you will enjoy every single moment of their journey.
3. Because you love your children don’t be possessive. Let them have love from as many others, you will always be special to them.

Three Things You Hope Your Children Have Learned From You:

Mama:

1. Be humble, always.
2. Working hard always pays.
3. Always be the first one to say sorry and the first one to forgive in relationships and friendships.

Three Ways You Have Changed As A Mother:

Mama:

1. I am no longer afraid to ask for help.
2. To speak up for myself.
3. Not to feel guilty when I self-indulge, either with money or time, I have worked very hard to get to this stage of my life.

Three Things You Wish You Had Known When You Were A Younger Parent:

Mama:

1. I wish had known not to be bothered by people who did not have children who could not relate to the responsibilities of children and the joy I found in raising mine. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything because I had children and a lot of people with and without children could not relate because people often tend to have children for other reasons besides actually want to have children.
2. If parents are invested home-schooling is as good as any private schooling.
3. I wish I had been more involved when kids began to withdraw in high school due to social pressures.

Any final thoughts:

Mama:

Motherhood is not just a female quality or heterosexual quality.  Nurturing is a divine gift. Some men are far more nurturing parents than a woman. We have to get past the stereotypical “women-men” paradigm if we are to evolve as people while accepting there are differences and they are there to compliment one another.

I just wish people would not be focused on one day of mother’s day and be involved in a practical, non-material way to appreciate and respect mothers every day.

Learn from your children. Keep growing. They can be as good teachers to you as you have been to them.

I paraphrase Anne Wilson Schaef: When we give birth to a child we give birth to a process that continues in one form or another for the rest of life. Common sense is knowing when to quit, knowing we are good and not having to prove it. It is learned and developed. Our children do not always fit into an ideal but if we love them unconditionally for who they are they supersede our expectations to become more than we had imagined for them.

Mama, thank you for everything you have done for us and continue to do for us. I know there is good in this world because of you. I work every day to embrace your best qualities. And thank you for your support for my writing when I have doubts. You always remind me that a real storyteller is an advocate for unheard voices first. I love you.

Related posts:

“The Beauty Myth” “How the heck does one become radicalized?” Lessons from a Chinese Lantern We could think what we wanted…